The Vampiric Puppet Lamentation

Plot
Wendy is telling Lacey stories about Tyler's family exploits while he's away on a trip. They're preparing for a party but Lacey is distracted and hasn't heard a word Wendy's said. Lacey admits she had a sex dream about Pip and describes how he appeared in her apartment wearing an Eisenhower jacket. However, Lacey dismisses it as nothing. They head for the party but Noser isn't there and no one has seen him. Lacey ends up inviting Pip to the party and is admiring him from afar. A fortuneteller, Jamie, comes over and offers Wendy a free Tarot reading. She badly messes it up but then goes into a trance and speaks in a foreign tongue while holding up a card showing an armless Noser. She finally says that Young Noser will be rent limb from limb while saving Wendy. Jamie snaps out of it and doesn't remember anything that she said.

The next day, Wendy leaves a message on Noser's answering machine while Lacey wakes up and notes that she doesn't believe that Jamie knew what she was talking about. Wendy notes that Lacey might not be functioning normally because of her dream and figures Lacey had another dream: Wendy doesn't believe her. Wendy prepares to go look for Noser but is called to Middleman HQ, and Lacey offers to look for him instead.

Wendy arrives at HQ to find the Middleman and Ida preparing anti-vampire gear. A Middleman in the late 1800s killed the last vampire and the only way to kill a vampire is with a stake carved of purest Carpathian wood. Ida produces a bundle of money: they need to go to an auction of Vlad the Impaler's personal artifacts, any one of which could trigger a vampire resurgence. They're going to buy the entire collection. Wendy is more interested in rending people limb from limb and explains about the Tarot reading. The Middleman figures that her experience in the Underworld opened her third eye, putting her into contact with voices from beyond. Wendy is less than thrilled.

Pip is trying to find Noser by talking to his roommate Anvil, so he can collect his rent. Lacey intervenes and calls Anvil off. Lacey explains that Wendy thinks Noser is in danger but is distracted by memories of her dream. Pip insists on going with her to get his rent money.

Wendy is driving the Middlemobile 2 to the auction while the Middleman grills her on vampire trivia. He reveals that a vampire who tastes a victim's blood knows all of his or her hopes and dreams. Lacey calls and Wendy figures that she's with Pip looking for Noser. The Middleman overhears the conversation and is shocked that Lacey had a sex dream about Pip.

At the auction, Nicholas Pherides introduces himself as the auctioneer and begins bidding on the various items, starting with a door hinge. Wendy and The Middleman successfully bid and acquire all of the items until the last surprise artifact comes up: Little Vladdy, a puppet that Vlad adored. The puppet's owners have all met with suicide and horror. Nicholas demonstrates the dummy and inserts his hand, and it possesses the hapless auctioneer. Vladdy warns that an eternal night of blood will soon be upon them all. The possessed Nicholas escapes into the street with Wendy and the Middleman in pursuit. Vladdy transforms into a puppet bat and flies away with Nicholas.

Back at Middleman HQ, the duo figures that Vladdy is immune to sunlight due to his shellac. Wendy doesn't believe Vladdy will bite anyone, but will do something to bring about the eternal night of blood. She figures one of Vladdy's previous owners may know something about the puppet vampire's plans. Ida checks the records on the HEYDAR and finds a TV broadcast of ventriloquist Renfield Renquist. They watch the tape which shows Renfield reluctantly using the dummy. He's possessed by Vladdy and goes berserk, killing the interviewer and half the film crew. The Boom operator manages to cut off Renfield's arm and stops him.

Pip bangs on Joe 90's door but Lacey insists they can get more information by being diplomatic. Pip bets her $20 that she can't and Lacey goes to work. She manages to find out that Joe 90 makes surveillance tapes for Pip so he can save the money his father gives him for building security. Joe 90 gives Lacey the tape and Pip, overhearing, is upset that people think of him as a laughing stock. Lacey suggests he might try to be nicer, he thinks she's hot for him.

Wendy and the Middleman visit the asylum where Renfield is confined, and the doctor explains that due to blood loss he's suffering from brain damage and can't differentiate reality from hallucination. After the doctor leaves, The Middleman gets through to Renfield by making a hand puppet with a marker. Renfield reveals that Vladdy is seeking out Elizabeth Rousset, the vampire queen. He married her in 1459 but the villagers killed them both and spilled their blood on their two favorite puppets, Vladdy and Lizzie. Renfield explains if the two puppets are remarried on the arms of a couple who truly love each other, they'll regain human form and can summon an army of vampires to conquer the world. The Middleman calls Ida who reveals that the Lizzie puppet was bought by a Middleman in 1895 and is in the archives. They return to HQ and as they search, Lacey calls and tells her that the tape shows that Noser met with a mysterious Eastern-European woman and received a shiny metal briefcase. Lacey gives them the cab number and Wendy asks the Middleman to use the HEYDAR to track Noser down. The Middleman is unhappy with the Pip situation but agrees. While Wendy goes to check it out, the Middleman finds the Lizzie doll... and the possessed Nikolas attacks with Vladdy. Wendy has identified the mystery woman as an Irene Dubrovna. She's interrupted when the struggling Middleman and Nicholas stumble into the room. Nicholas knocks Ida aside and Vladdy bites the Middleman, and then the pair make their escape.

The Middleman has put a Middlewatch on Nicholas and Ida insists he receive a dose of the anti-vampire vaccine. He realizes Nicholas was able to get in because he doesn't show up on cameras, and is concerned that Vladdy now knows everything about him. Meanwhile, Pip and Lacey go to Irena's and when she proves reluctant to tell them anything about Noser, Pip pretends to be his friend. Irena gives in and explains that Noser has the talent of a god and she tutored him. By the age of six, he had mastered his art and traveled the world. He retired at the age of 13 and Irena vowed to guard his instrument until the day he chose to perform again. She tells them where he's performing: a convention center.

The Middleman and Wendy have tracked Nicholas to the same convention center and discover that it is hosting the ventriloquist grand championships. They spot Lacey and Pip arriving, and they realize that Noser is a ventriloquist. Pip goes to get his camera to get footage while Lacey and the Middleman make conversation. Wendy spots Nikolas with both puppets and she and the Middleman go in pursuit. They find Nikolas but the puppets have abandoned him and he remembers nothing. As they search the center, Lacey talks to a ventriloquist who knows Noser as an undefeatable champion ventriloquist. Vladdy approaches her on the arm of another ventriloquist and offers to direct her to Vladdy. Lacey follows him and a few minutes later, Wendy and The Middleman spot her as she gestures them backstage. They find that she's holding Lizzie and Vladdy and his ventriloquist enter. Vladdy tells the Middleman to put him on and Wendy realizes that he feels true love for Lacey.

The Middleman tells Wendy that she'll have to save the world on her and takes on Vladdy. Vladdy calls in his vampire puppet minions and Wendy is forced to hold them off while Vladdy takes her stake and makes his escape with Lizzie. They go to the chapel and find a minister to marry them. Vladdy puts the ring in his mouth and goes through with the marriage ceremony. Outside, Wendy defeats the minions and runs into Noser, who says he came out of retirement to win the championship and get the money to raise his rent. He says that Young Noser is his dummy and Wendy realizes what Jamie meant. When Wendy says she needs purest Carpathian wood, Noser notes that Young Noser is made out of the same wood.

In the chapel, the dummies kiss and Lizzie and Vladdy gain human form, while Lacey and The Middleman become dummies. The vampires prepare to perform their ritual to summon forth the vampires, but Wendy comes in and shoots them with stakes made out of the arms of Young Noser. The Middleman and Lacey revert to normal and Pip comes in. Lacey doesn't remember anything and Pip offers to take her home.

Later, Pip is watching footage of Noser's performance and Lacey demands the footage to protect Noser's past. Pip says Noser isn't his friend and no one is, but Lacey kisses him. He hands over the footage and then slaps him when he comes on to her... and says she'll see him around.

At HQ, The Middleman notes that the marriage ceremony isn't binding and is forced to admit that the ceremony confirms that he and Lacey have true love. He warns that true love doesn't always work out but Wendy says they should get together no matter what. The Middleman explains that nothing could keep him from Lacey if he wanted to be with her, but she's not the only woman he loves.

Lacey throws an impromptu party for Noser, who is claiming that he went out of town to visit his grandmother. Jamie's Tarot reading is wrong again, confirming his story. Pip tries to convince Joe 90 he had a tape of Noser but his claim that Lacey kissed him isn't convincing. Wendy realizes that Lacey did kiss Pip but Lacey says that it eliminated her subconscious attraction. Wendy asks if she's had any further sex dreams, and Lacey remembers her newest dream... with The Middleman. Meanwhile, The Middleman contemplates a gold ring at HQ... alone.

Trivia

 * When Wendy and the Middleman are first seen at Middleman HQ, a partly melted clock (damaged by The Candle's melting ray in the previous episode) can be seen on the wall.
 * In another reference to the previous episode, Ida is seen cleaning the roller skates she wore while Guy Goddard was running HQ.
 * A. Dixon's Bitten by Vampires: A Coping Guide, which the Middleman uses to quiz Wendy in the Middlemobile 2, is apparently the second in a series; another of his works, Bitten by Zombies: A Coping Guide, was seen in "The Flying Fish Zombification".
 * According to the Middleman, vampires have been responsible for the deaths of two Middlemen throughout history, more than any other single threat.

Quotes
Wendy (after watching Little Vladie change into a bat and fly away): Did he just turn into a vampire bat puppet?

Characters and Locations
Characters introduced in this episode:
 * Little Vladdy and Lizzie
 * Anvil (first time seen)
 * Renfield Renquist